He's Still Painting
Have you ever wanted something so much and for so long that the desire itself begins to take on its own identity? This thing that you long for sits beside your bed waiting for you to wake up in the morning; it shares your lunch, uninvited; follows annoyingly close as you try to complete your chores, and hogs the blankets at night. You pray incessantly for God to hear your cries and remove this burden. But, like a pesky cold you just can't seem to shake, your unfulfilled request remains with you. Well, my family seems to be stuck in an endless holding pattern, waiting and waiting for God to answer our prayers.
Last January, I stumbled across a picture of a 12-year-old orphan in Haiti. My cousin and his wife, who live nearby, had already turned in their dossier to adopt her little brother. But, when they learned he had a sister up for adoption as well, they discovered they didn't meet the age requirement to adopt her themselves.
At the time, adoption wasn't even on my radar. But, after seeing pictures of the two of them together and realizing the added torture this poor girl would experience when her brother's adoption was finalized, God immediately pricked my heart. She just had to be here with him! But, I didn't want just anyone local to adopt her, I wanted to be her mom! To my dismay, though, my husband didn't share my conviction.
We have three children already, ages 15, 12 and 8; and that last one was one more than he had originally planned on - though, now he wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. In addition, we were already a bit stretched financially and were considering downsizing our home, not adding another resident to it. His practical thought process, which balances my gift of extreme empathy, just didn't see the need to add potential stress and upheaval. So, I prayed...and cried...and prayed some more. But, each time I asked him about adopting her, my pleas were quickly stinted. After a while, I began to question God. Why in the world would he so clearly call me to this, and not my husband?
And, then, I got that dreaded phone call the day after Mother's Day. Someone else wanted to adopt her. I started to crumble. I couldn't believe how cruel God was to lay her on my heart, cause me to fall in love with her, and then give her to someone else. But, what I didn't know was that this was a gross misunderstanding of what God was up to. To my surprise and amazement, this news of another's interest became the turning point for my husband, causing him to agree that we could, and should, adopt her.
That was May. The very next month, after we had been accepted to adopt and were starting to collect the mounds of documents standing between us and her, my husband unexpectedly lost his job. It's been seven months now without income or insurance, and we're still waiting.
But, I'm learning some valuable lessons during this wilderness journey that God has us on. I've always believed in my head that God is good, all the time; but it's by witnessing, first-hand, his practical goodness in the midst of this trial, that I've really begun to believe his goodness in the depths of my heart. Anonymous friends have sent us gift cards and financial help just when we needed it. Notes of encouragement and numerous prayers offered on our behalf have helped to lessen the load. And amazingly, we were able to turn in our dossier last month, even though we're still unemployed! Yes it's true; God is good, all the time!
I'm also learning that the refining process is not an easy one, but it's a necessary one. As our family waits for the daughter and sister we long for, God has been uncovering old, rotten skeletons that have been shoved to the back of our closets for years. He's even been cleaning closets in our extended family. He's exposed sin issues that were in need of surrender, and has softened hearts to return to his ways. I'm convinced that God is doing this, at this time, so that we have a healthy home for our new daughter. Not a perfect home, (we're still on this side of heaven) but a healthy one. And, I believe that these trials were tailor-made for us, at least in part, for her sake--so that we would be able to best minister to her.
Which has led me to the knowledge that God's timing is, indeed, perfect. It doesn't feel perfect, but I trust him. I believe that when she finally does join our family, the timing will be just right. He hasn't let me down yet. Through every painful trial, I see him at work--molding us, crafting us into his image, refining out our imperfections one by one. God's been creating a masterpiece, but our painting isn't finished yet. There are still a few brushstrokes missing that, when added, will turn an otherwise "good" piece into a work of art. Why would we ever ask him for something ordinary when he wants to give us so much more?
Are you having a hard time waiting for something? Feelings are unreliable; negative thoughts steal away our joy; and a brittle heart is a sign of decay. If these responses sound a little too familiar, remind yourself that God's word is trustworthy. Let his promises be your companion, your compass, your patience as you wait.
Psalm 37:4
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 27:14
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
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