older child adjustment

Recently, I have received messages from parents asking about older
child adjustment. As our little ones were not infants, we did
have some adjustments when they arrived. Our airport
moment was amazing. However, the days and weeks that
followed were hard times in many ways. The girls had a
tough time adjusting to their new surroundings. We had
a tough time knowing how to meet their needs. As I have I said
before, home is home no matter where home might be. A
new home, and specifically a new family, is an adjustment.
We were not given any information as to what the girls
did during the day. We did not know their daily routine
or what would comfort them.
We also did not know their care givers or
the personalities of those around them.We had to rely on their
cues as to what might make them feel safe/secure.
We had to somehow create what was and blend what is.
(make sense?)

I think about this on a much smaller level. (much smaller)
Every morning I wake up and make a cup of coffee. I read
the news and check my email. If I was traveling, or in an
unfamiliar place, I would re create these moments for myself.
I would find coffee or tea. I would bring my phone to read
the Bible, news, etc. In fact, when I travel, I usually find my
caffeine source the night before I need it (addicted?).

However, it would be really hard for me if someone told me
that as soon as I woke up the plan was to eat at an
Italian buffet. (I have no idea where the buffet thing came from...
just humor me). For adopted children, their whole schedule and
routine is completely different. Children thrive and feel secure
in a routine. Ask any teacher in any school system the most important
part of the year.
10:1
I would bet most teachers would say the beginning of the year.
Why?
Routine is established.

Many parents have asked if we really needed to kind of cocoon for those
first few weeks. ABSOLUTELY. We needed a routine. The girls needed to
get out of bed and come to the kitchen. They needed to know food was
available. They needed to know who lives in their house. They needed to
know what would happen in their daily life. Things that seem obvious are
not obvious to little ones.



One of the things we realized early on was
the girls may be little but they were responsible for very
adult tasks and responsibilities. Some of these tasks
were cultural and some were out of sheer necessity.
For instance, we had many times when miss M wanted
buckets to wash her clothes. She wanted to take care of
her new clothes and she thought washing them in buckets
would be the best way to take care of them. She was adverse
to the washing machine.

Another thing we realized is that she wanted to care for her
sister all the time. She was the one who cared for her sister
for a long time and she wanted to protect her little sister.

I have said many times that miss M is going to be a cook!
She was fully expecting to prepare meals for our family.
She tried to reach the stove. It was nerve wrecking for a while
but here are some ways we were able to help her and allow
her to feel safe. She also wanted to be the one to clean
the kitchen and help our family.

Here are some practical ways we helped the girls:

1. We bought a play kitchen with all the works. Truth be told it was $5
from Goodwill but it is nice. She was/is allowed to wash her dishes
with real water, soap and towels. Yes, it is a little messy. But, she feels
so much better and feels like she is taking ownership of her things.
I might add...she is a very tidy in her kitchen. :)

2. She was given a doll by my mother in law. She was given pampers,
clothes, etc. for her doll. She was responsible for taking care of her and
dressing her. She would/will pack a diaper bag if she wants to bring
her to the store. She would give her baths and feed her. It was very
soothing to have someone to care for and yet be a child.

3. We let her do the doll's laundry. I put buckets in the bath tub.
The girls have a bucket for soap and one for water. They wash all the
baby clothes. I put towels down all over the bathroom and also under
the drying rack in their room. Yes, again, it is messy. But, they both do
a great job washing them and they take great pride in taking care of
the clothes. This part of the equation is cultural and they seemed to
want to take good care of their baby clothes.


For us, it was re-creating moments in which the girls could feel
"like home" but yet not actually do "adult work". Our goal is for
our girls to reclaim their childhood. Trust me, there is plenty
of time for chores, etc. I am really much more concerned about
their need to feel included and a part of this new home.

I hope some of this information has been helpful.
There is really no secret formula. Trust me-if there was
I would have already paid for it and had it delivered.
Yes, adoption is about attachment, but adoption is also about
taking care of the whole child. It is about loving a child where
he/she is right now. It is about accepting the now with goals
for the future. It will not be perfect. It may not even be ok.
However, I do feel hopeful. I see progress and I am
excited to see where we are this time next year.


p.s. This next part has nothing to do with the post.
See their hair in the picture?
I did it! I can't believe it. I was able to do some
beads in their hair. I have to say it...
TAKE THAT MEAN LADY AT TARGET
xoxo