Adoption: No Easy Answers
I have been working on this post in my head for months. There are many
issues surrounding ethics and the adoption of only infants in adoption.
A local adoption agency has been touting on twitter that infants are available.
The tweets bothered me for many reasons. As an adoption community, we cannot
accept the fact that agencies are touting healthy infants available now. We have to make
some determinations as to why we are adopting and the realities surrounding
children who are in need of families. Many of the children are born in third world countries where traumatic births and no health care is routine. Many children have been put into orphanages because their parents simply cannot feed them. Many children have lost parents for reasons we, as Americans, cannot imagine.
If we, as an adoption community, only request infants than what about waiting
children? I know families who have sat on lists for months waiting for a child
0-6 months old. I know families that have chosen certain agencies because
the program delivers lots of little babies to waiting families. Is it wrong to
adopt a little baby? No! However, what if we as a community were open to the child
that God may want to place in our family. (infant or older)
Let's be honest. I want to fully disclose that I read all the research on "older" child
adoption before we adopted. Article after article (note: I am a research nerd) had me convinced. We could not risk it.
We could not parent a child who was "devastated" by their
environment. We could not bring children into our home who would disrupt our family and possibly not ever attach to us. Right?
The time came for our home study. Our amazing social worker from St. Elizabeth
Coleman here in Indiana came over to do our home study. (For many reasons, you
will not see me "name drop" or recommend. However, with my full heart I recommend
St. Elizabeth Coleman.) As she arrived to our perfectly clean home (days of work) and fairly
happy children (we had talked to them about being nice:), she listened to my
reasons as to why we should only adopt a baby. In fact, we would be willing to
take 2 little babies. She asked why we thought we had landed on the perfect age for
our child. We touted the research, the books, etc. In her quiet voice, she looked at us
and asked if she could write up to 4 years old. I was floored. 4 YEARS OLD?? Is
this woman a licensed professional who has read the research?
Why, yes Amy, she is a wise and licensed professional.
The next couple of hours we talked about the reality of adoption in third world
countries. We talked and she shared stories to refute our concrete claims. I could
see Trent's heart was changing. GREAT. I tried not to panic as we finished the education
night. When I went to bed that night, I was plagued with worry about birth order, attachment, and the list goes on.
The next morning I told Trent we would just let God choose. I am sure I did not really
mean that statement. I was fully into the idea of "saving" a child. I just wanted to pick
the children that I saved. (to read how I realized I was not the saver, go here).
After all, it was my family. Although I had gone through 2 difficult
pregnancies, we had 2 healthy boys. I really did not want to bring unwanted stress into
our family.
If you are appalled at my last paragraph, please read on.
I am a work in progress.
So we waited...only a few days...and the referral came. It was for 2 girls and the
oldest was 3 according to the referral. I stared at the pictures for what seemed
all night. I remember thinking...are these it Lord? Lord, they are not babies!
They are older...what if...Lord, have you read the research?
I made a call to a trusted friend. She is the mama of 5 kiddos and their family
welcomed 2 children into their family via adoption. I told her all my
fears and all my worries. I told her about the research. (I know, I was that friend).
She listened patiently to the story. She asked if she could pose a question.
"Remember when our church called about maybe hosting orphans from Haiti?
Remember when we called each other and wondered who God would bring?
Well, if God put those girls, or even older, in your life would you deny them and
wait for babies?"
silence.
One could have heard crickets at this point. I knew she was speaking truth to me.
These were the girls that God has placed in our lives.
Oh, God in His wisdom was so faithful. I have quickly learned there are no, and mean
no, guarantees in adoption. I have had friends adopt babies and have more intense
attachment issues than families with older children. (and vice versa). I have learned
every child is unique. I have also learned that no child's story determines the path
of his/her life. I have learned to honor each child and each journey.
I share this very information not to just write a post. I share this story because I
believe we, as an adoption community, have to change our view. Please, adoption
counselors, talk to your families about waiting children. Please, adoption agencies,
don't tout "infants-now!". And finally, parents, don't let fear determine your path.
The Lord may have a very young child for your family but what if He does not? I
would stand with you and encourage you to please consider other options. I almost
made a huge mistake and missed my precious girls.
This morning I was visiting with my dear friend, Stephanie. We were playing with miss
little M and laughing at her funny comments. She was hugging us and at the same time
literally getting into every one of Steph's cabinets. Steph looked at me and asked me what
I would do without miss little M in our lives? I had no answer. As hard as times can be
with adjustment and healing, I would never want to journey without the girls. I would never
want to wake up and not hear a sweet French accent in my home. I would never want to
do laundry without a special load of pink.
Many have asked how my boys are doing since the girls have joined the family. I think mr Z
had a harder time loosing baby status. But, I would say that God has done amazing things. I have been so incredibly proud of the boys. As strangers and friends have "made over" the girls, they have stood by with pride. They have welcomed them into our home and loved them.
However, even in the best of circumstances, adoption is a big adjustment for everyone.
Let's be frank.
We have joy and pain wrapped up in one home.
And then, God gives us undeniable hope.
Last night mr L came home and put together miss M's Barbie tub for her. She had
earned it with money from her teeth and she needed help. He helped her and was so
happy to see her use it. Today, miss M shared a piece of her story with mr Z in the van. It
was a story I had not heard before and he listened. After she finished, he told her not to be afraid. He truly was protecting her. These are times I would not trade.
I am not sure what the "take away" is from this post. Maybe, in my own way,
it is a post to advocate for waiting children. I recently was talking to a friend who stated that her adopted children cried when they were told they were getting big. They knew what big meant to them. Big meant you were not going to be adopted. I see my own girls. I think a lot
about those left behind. When miss M asks us to adopt more kids from Congo, my heart aches. I think of kids here and abroad that long for families.
There are no easy answers.
I have been working on this post in my head for months. There are many
issues surrounding ethics and the adoption of only infants in adoption.
A local adoption agency has been touting on twitter that infants are available.
The tweets bothered me for many reasons. As an adoption community, we cannot
accept the fact that agencies are touting healthy infants available now. We have to make
some determinations as to why we are adopting and the realities surrounding
children who are in need of families. Many of the children are born in third world countries where traumatic births and no health care is routine. Many children have been put into orphanages because their parents simply cannot feed them. Many children have lost parents for reasons we, as Americans, cannot imagine.
If we, as an adoption community, only request infants than what about waiting
children? I know families who have sat on lists for months waiting for a child
0-6 months old. I know families that have chosen certain agencies because
the program delivers lots of little babies to waiting families. Is it wrong to
adopt a little baby? No! However, what if we as a community were open to the child
that God may want to place in our family. (infant or older)
Let's be honest. I want to fully disclose that I read all the research on "older" child
adoption before we adopted. Article after article (note: I am a research nerd) had me convinced. We could not risk it.
We could not parent a child who was "devastated" by their
environment. We could not bring children into our home who would disrupt our family and possibly not ever attach to us. Right?
The time came for our home study. Our amazing social worker from St. Elizabeth
Coleman here in Indiana came over to do our home study. (For many reasons, you
will not see me "name drop" or recommend. However, with my full heart I recommend
St. Elizabeth Coleman.) As she arrived to our perfectly clean home (days of work) and fairly
happy children (we had talked to them about being nice:), she listened to my
reasons as to why we should only adopt a baby. In fact, we would be willing to
take 2 little babies. She asked why we thought we had landed on the perfect age for
our child. We touted the research, the books, etc. In her quiet voice, she looked at us
and asked if she could write up to 4 years old. I was floored. 4 YEARS OLD?? Is
this woman a licensed professional who has read the research?
Why, yes Amy, she is a wise and licensed professional.
The next couple of hours we talked about the reality of adoption in third world
countries. We talked and she shared stories to refute our concrete claims. I could
see Trent's heart was changing. GREAT. I tried not to panic as we finished the education
night. When I went to bed that night, I was plagued with worry about birth order, attachment, and the list goes on.
The next morning I told Trent we would just let God choose. I am sure I did not really
mean that statement. I was fully into the idea of "saving" a child. I just wanted to pick
the children that I saved. (to read how I realized I was not the saver, go here).
After all, it was my family. Although I had gone through 2 difficult
pregnancies, we had 2 healthy boys. I really did not want to bring unwanted stress into
our family.
If you are appalled at my last paragraph, please read on.
I am a work in progress.
So we waited...only a few days...and the referral came. It was for 2 girls and the
oldest was 3 according to the referral. I stared at the pictures for what seemed
all night. I remember thinking...are these it Lord? Lord, they are not babies!
They are older...what if...Lord, have you read the research?
I made a call to a trusted friend. She is the mama of 5 kiddos and their family
welcomed 2 children into their family via adoption. I told her all my
fears and all my worries. I told her about the research. (I know, I was that friend).
She listened patiently to the story. She asked if she could pose a question.
"Remember when our church called about maybe hosting orphans from Haiti?
Remember when we called each other and wondered who God would bring?
Well, if God put those girls, or even older, in your life would you deny them and
wait for babies?"
silence.
One could have heard crickets at this point. I knew she was speaking truth to me.
These were the girls that God has placed in our lives.
Oh, God in His wisdom was so faithful. I have quickly learned there are no, and mean
no, guarantees in adoption. I have had friends adopt babies and have more intense
attachment issues than families with older children. (and vice versa). I have learned
every child is unique. I have also learned that no child's story determines the path
of his/her life. I have learned to honor each child and each journey.
I share this very information not to just write a post. I share this story because I
believe we, as an adoption community, have to change our view. Please, adoption
counselors, talk to your families about waiting children. Please, adoption agencies,
don't tout "infants-now!". And finally, parents, don't let fear determine your path.
The Lord may have a very young child for your family but what if He does not? I
would stand with you and encourage you to please consider other options. I almost
made a huge mistake and missed my precious girls.
This morning I was visiting with my dear friend, Stephanie. We were playing with miss
little M and laughing at her funny comments. She was hugging us and at the same time
literally getting into every one of Steph's cabinets. Steph looked at me and asked me what
I would do without miss little M in our lives? I had no answer. As hard as times can be
with adjustment and healing, I would never want to journey without the girls. I would never
want to wake up and not hear a sweet French accent in my home. I would never want to
do laundry without a special load of pink.
Many have asked how my boys are doing since the girls have joined the family. I think mr Z
had a harder time loosing baby status. But, I would say that God has done amazing things. I have been so incredibly proud of the boys. As strangers and friends have "made over" the girls, they have stood by with pride. They have welcomed them into our home and loved them.
However, even in the best of circumstances, adoption is a big adjustment for everyone.
Let's be frank.
We have joy and pain wrapped up in one home.
And then, God gives us undeniable hope.
Last night mr L came home and put together miss M's Barbie tub for her. She had
earned it with money from her teeth and she needed help. He helped her and was so
happy to see her use it. Today, miss M shared a piece of her story with mr Z in the van. It
was a story I had not heard before and he listened. After she finished, he told her not to be afraid. He truly was protecting her. These are times I would not trade.
I am not sure what the "take away" is from this post. Maybe, in my own way,
it is a post to advocate for waiting children. I recently was talking to a friend who stated that her adopted children cried when they were told they were getting big. They knew what big meant to them. Big meant you were not going to be adopted. I see my own girls. I think a lot
about those left behind. When miss M asks us to adopt more kids from Congo, my heart aches. I think of kids here and abroad that long for families.
There are no easy answers.
3 comments:
I love this post for so many reasons. We also started only wanting a "healthy" infant. God had bigger, better plans. Doing research, we came to be less afraid of "special needs". We marked on our application that we were "open to..." so that we wouldn't deny whatever child God had for us the ability to be part of our family.
And then God used our "open to..." to change our lives. Now, as we wait expectantly, lost in those little brown eyes, I can't imagine ever saying no to this little miracle. And the miracle God worked in our heart.
Thanks for sharing your heart!
And sometimes we don't even know what we'll get when we accept "older children," huh? Sometimes they're older than we expect. God sneaks them in under the radar so we don't have a chance to protest!
He saved me from worrying much about birth order by not telling me the truth until I had already fallen in love with her!
Great post!
@wiggins-I could not agree more! i often just smile at God's wisdom...so glad He knows what is going on. :) thank you for walking this journey with me. an honor to be your friend.
@cshows-your story is so inspiring. been praying for you here! i can't wait for new updates. xo
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