thankful

Psalm 16:7-11

New International Version (NIV)

⁷ I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful^[a] one see decay.
¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Adoption is a beautiful act that follows immense pain.

Before our girls arrived, I did a lot of research on possible grief reactions. I allowed myself to read all the different stories and try to get myself ready for the girls' homecoming. I thought if I could just be a calming presence to them then they might know they were safe. My calming voice and prayers would quiet them and they would know I am their mama.

*insert fail here*

Unfortunately, I quickly discovered my girls' pendulum of emotions was being triggered by something that I might never know. There were many times I held the girls as they cried for what appeared to be no apparent reason. It was a grief I could not know but a very real stress for my daughters. I spent hours praying over the girls and asking God for wisdom. And yet, I truly believe He never left us. Time stood still during those sob filled moments. I was faced with the harsh reality that I could not place a band-aid on a wound I could not see. I had to face the truth that I did not know all the answers but I knew Who did. Although the past was a mystery to me, it was not a mystery to Him. It was through the example of Christ's love that we were able to hold our daughters and love them. In our own power and ambition, we might have done ok but through Him we were empowered by the Holy Spirit.

To any new adoptive parents, please don't allow fear to step in the door of your mind. Resolve to serve and love your child in the midst of insults and tantrums. Recognize the battle and fight on. We serve the Mighty Counselor. Keep holding and keep loving. Fear wanted me to believe that this intense stage was the new normal and that I had ruined my family. The truth is the grief reactions were strong for awhile but did subside. We still have them but they are not as intense as the beginning. I determined in my heart not to take them personally (hard for me..if you know me). Honestly, most of them did not have a thing to do with me or other family members. And in many cases, I could not tell you exactly why each reaction occurred.

The hardest part of intense grief is that you, the parent, always get the brunt of the anger. When others were around, the girls were happy in their GAP clothes and playing well. However, at night, when it was quiet, the grief took center stage in our home. I did not want to share our "dirty laundry" with all the well-wishers but I was hurting and so were my girls. These nights were long and we both cried. (yes, I just told everyone my husband cried). We were concerned that we had somehow been led astray and our life was now in shambles. I was so very worried for my boys. Would they be able to function with this chaos at home? I was worried that they might think they were now on the back burner.

The truth is that we were not alone.

We were not in shambles.

Jesus was not shaken by our doubt or our fear.

Almost 7 months into this journey, our new normal is not what I feared. It is an amazing new place where there is both pain and joy. It is real life. It is the reality of serving Christ in a messy, broken world. Our girls are the piece that was missing in our lives.

We are thankful.